When the Roles Reverse..
- Helen Kyle
- Nov 6
- 4 min read
The emotional and financial lessons of ageing parents
Lately I’ve had a lot of chats with friends and family who are navigating the challenges of ageing parents, both financially and emotionally. To be honest, no-one really prepares you for when you start parenting your parents – it starts gradually, with you doing the odd things they’ve missed, and then suddenly the people who used to guide you now need your guidance.
For me, it was a slow, emotional unravelling. Watching my mum decline into the depths of Alzheimer's felt like losing her piece by piece. In the meantime my Dad had a host of health issues, the most critical being losing his sight to macular degeneration
When Mum died earlier this year, it was such an emotional rollercoaster, not just for me but for everyone involved. However, in some strange way, dealing with the admin side of it felt like one way to practically deal with the grief. With a fair amount of pressure from my Dad, who doesn’t like to part with his money, I decided to take on the probate process myself rather than engaging a lawyer.
It actually wasn’t too bad getting it done as long as I went step by step. But it was interesting that, in doing that process, I learned more about money, family, and resilience than any job or course could teach.
This post is part practical guide, part personal reflection — for anyone walking this path, or standing on the edge of it.
The Financial Side: Getting Practical When Emotions Are High
When you’re caring for an ageing parent, financial admin can feel cold and clinical — but getting organised early is an act of love. It makes the hardest moments a little easier later.
Here’s what helped me (and what I wish I’d done sooner):
• Start the money talk early. It’s awkward, but essential. Ask about wills, insurance, pensions, bank accounts, debts. Frame it as: “I just want to make sure things are easy for you later on.”
Luckily for me this wasn’t too bad as my Dad loves a good chat about money!
• Power of Attorney isn’t just legal paperwork — it’s peace of mind. Having it in place before health declines means you can manage finances and healthcare decisions without red tape or panic. Again we didn’t use solicitors for this – you just need a bit of patience to set it up. And be aware there are delays.
Being able to manage my parents bank accounts with a POA meant the transition was much easier once my Mum died – I knew where money was held and how to manage the accounts. My top tip is getting the POA registered with banks so you can act- having a POA itself is not enough, and different banks have different processes.
• Get documents in one place. A single folder (digital or physical) with bank info, policy numbers, property deeds, ID, and utility accounts will save you hours later.
• Probate can be DIY (with patience). If an estate is straightforward, you can do probate yourself - it will also save you thousands of pounds in fees. The forms look intimidating, but the government guidance is clear, and the process is manageable if you stay organised. I found it strangely grounding — a final, practical way to help my mum.
The main areas you’ll need to do are gathering details of assets and liabilities as well as documents around the deceased person. But see my detailed list at the end of the blog. I found that it really helped that I knew ahead of time what assets Mum and Dad had, through the POA process. Overall, it took a couple of months to get probate.
• Keep receipts, notes, and copies of everything. Grief and admin don’t mix well. Writing things down protects you when your head is foggy.
2. The Emotional Side: Letting Go, Bit by Bit
No spreadsheet prepares you for the emotional toll of watching someone you love fade. It’s not one big heartbreak — it’s hundreds of tiny ones.
Here’s what I learned, often the hard way:
• Grief starts before death. You start mourning who they were long before they’re gone. it’s a strange mix of sadness and gratitude for the moments you still have.
The role reversal is messy. Becoming the decision-maker can feel disloyal, even when it’s necessary. You’re still their child, even when you’re sorting out stuff for them.
• Let go of the guilt. You’ll never get everything right. Some days you’ll be patient and compassionate; other days you’ll snap or cry in the car. Nothing prepares you for it, and there’s no right way to grieve.
• Find your people. Talking helps — friends, siblings, counsellors, or online communities. You don’t have to be stoic to be strong. I was lucky – I have a great family and some solid friends who didn’t mind me letting off steam when times were tough!
• Notice the small moments. A shared joke, a memory they suddenly recall, the quiet rhythm of routine. Those are the pieces that stay with you. I found that compiling an album of my favourite moments of Mums life made it easier to remember the person she was.
3. What I’d Do Differently
Looking back, there are a few things I wish I’d known:
Start sooner. These conversations can never be done too early.
Ask more questions. About their stories, their past, their wishes. Once they’re gone, you can’t.
Delegate where possible. Even if you DIY probate, lean on others for moral or practical support.
Be kind to your future self. Keep notes, stay organised, and rest when you can.
Most of all — don’t measure yourself by how “well” you handle it. Being there, doing what you can to help everyone (and yourself) is enough.
Useful Links & Checklist
Important note
This blog is for education and information purposes only and does not constitute financial advice. If you need specific advice, please reach out to one of the many excellent financial advisors in the UK.
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